The current year is almost done and for the most part it has been a good one. Life over this past year has not been simple, but I enjoyed some adventures. Generally, I find myself in a more positive place than I was a year ago. As the New Year ball drops I find it time to take charge. To define where I want my life to go from here.
The start of the new year provides a chance to both reflect on the past as well as define the plan for tomorrow. So that is what I am going to do over this weekend. I am not going to just list out a bunch of resolutions as I have done in the past. Instead I am going to put together a plan.
To start, I need to break down this past year. Taking a look at the good things, the bad things, and the areas where I experienced my greatest growth. Then I need to lay out my plans and desires for this coming year, identifying the milestones and events I have to be prepared for. Then I have to look at the things that might go wrong, and set aside some time to visit how I might handle those situations.
Of course, I have already started this process to some degree. To be honest it is something that should be an ongoing discussion you are having with yourself, however, just in the last couple months I have been presented with some options and changes that make me revisit several of my longer term goals and identify where I really want to go.
Beginning with the end in mind
We need to have a vision of where we are going and what we want. It is that dream, that aspiration, that will help guide you and keep you focused on what needs to be done.
Identify what drives you
This is often referred to as your core values, the things that really matter to you. Defining and writing these down will provide you a clear picture of who you are and how you make your decisions. These are not static and will change overtime, life changes and you must be willing to adapt.
Putting first things FIRST
If there was one area I noticed more than any other was that I was all over the place this year. I had so many projects, tasks, and obligations that I really didn’t have any time for any of them. What I need to do is list them, rank their priority, and then identify which ones can be put aside for now.
Obviously, this is not an activity for one evening and couple hours of making a bucket list for the year. While that can be fun exercise. A way of looking ahead and dreaming about the things you can do over the next year, it does not put you in command of your life – and that is what I am needing to do this year.
As a parent we want to create those memories, those experiences, those moments that will be cherished throughout time. These are the moments where we find ourselves looking back on nostalgically, and we want to recreate them for our own kids. Moments like the ones shown in movies, tv shows, and written about in books. Moments to share on facebook, post to instagram, and … maybe write a blog post. Yep, tonight was going to be one of those evenings … and then everything went sideways.
Tonight was a special night, a cherished night. With their mom busy the boys were instead going to be staying with me. These nights (sometimes days) I look upon as gifts of extra time with my boys. So I try to do something extra fun, something outside the normal. After all, they don’t happen every week. I was excited.
Owen and I stopped to grab dinner, drinks, and pre-bake cookies from the store. Figured we could eat, listen to carols, put up the outside lights, and finally get to the gingerbread train put together (something still left from last year). It was going to be a Christmas holiday evening with my boys … quality family time.
It was going to be perfect.
Of course, due to the excitement I was planning the “what” and not the “how”. I wasn’t taking into account the context of the situation. Specifically, the fact we had been up until midnight watching “StarWars: The Last Jedi” the previous night. We were tired, possibly too tired to recognize it … I was too tired and too determined to recognize it.
While things started out good, got homework going and dinner cooking. You could tell we were not focused on the same things. Once dinner was ready, I changed plans slightly and made the declaration that “tonight would be a screen free night.” Which meant that we were not going to eat and then just sit and watch TV … we were going to do something together … good idea right?
Sadly, by the time dinner was ready part of it was cold … a had failed to coordinate it properly. But that was ok … we enjoyed it. When I was done and the boys were still eating I continued reading a book we are working our way through. Another parenting win right? But I think that was the last point of success for the evening.
I should have known … I should have seen
Before we could get one with things we had to get Math homework done – think all parents understand how frustrating this can be. It was a hard, new concern for him but he was taking a very negative view on his abilities and a dismissive response to trying to learn it. For me … there is nothing more frustrating that someone not engaging in the topic. In the moment I saw this as attitude, in hindsight it was more likely a factor of being tired.
After that, and while Owen was finishing up, Joe and I started stringing some lights outside. While I was attempting to let him own the task, he too was taking a very negative tone – often crossing the line into downright being disrespectful. As with many pre-teens he seems deaf to this. Doesn’t see how the tone in which he speaks to adults and peers impacts how he is treated. The disrespect both boys display towards me specifically I think they see as ‘in-fun’, but it grates on me and wears me down. Yet, at the time I thought is was nothing a coffee wouldn’t fix. So I parent, and tried to move on.
However, by the time we got to working on the ginger bread train I could tell my temper was short. It was already getting late and I knew we were tired … I could feel we were tired. I should have pulled the plug and saved the cookies, eggnog, and gingerbread train for another night. We should have snuggled into bed, read more of our book and gone to sleep all cuddled up together. That is the moment I long for today. That is not what we did…
To be clear, this happened the previous night – but it seemed to foreshadow this night so well.
Instead, we pushed forward. We put the cookies on to bake and started on the train. The complaining got worse, fun smack talk turned into negative comments, instructions were not followed or not even heard, the cookies were burnt and our night spiraled out of control. You could hear the tone getting sharp and I was done with it. Boys may be boys, and brothers may show love through smack talk … but I could not handle any more negative and disrespectful talk, I could not handle any more instructions going completely disregarded, I could not handle … any of it. I snapped. The night came apart in an instant.
With my older son headed outside in tears, I sent Owen upstairs to bed. He was now upset that he was being punished for my blow up towards Joe. But the night was over, which I tried to explain but I don’t think that made the moment any better. My words had just cut Joe deep … I knew it, and I could not take them back.
My heart sank as I sat there, I am better than this … I have to be better than this.
Words spoken in anger cut with the edge of raw emotion
After a few moments I joined Joe outside, looking to comfort and repair … he was having none of it. What transposed was a parenting scene in our driveway for all to see. A battle between teenager and parent that was leaving us both emotionally bloodied, it wasn’t pretty. This is not how I want to be seen as a father, this is not how I want to BE as a father.
Yet, out of the anger, disrespect, and pain we opened up some of our emotions. Things kept inside and bottled up. Things I wasn’t expecting to hear, but did not surprise me. They stung, not because they were directed at me but because I know I had just fed into them. Into his fears, self doubt, and pain. Everything changed in that moment, defenses came down. I sat there an listened. I tried to pass along that he wasn’t alone, that I was there and that I understood. However, by this point we were drained … it was time for bed. All we could do was share a hug.
I was wrong and I will do better!
As I tucked him into bed I apologized and took ownership for the things I said, I shared my love, concern, and understanding. By the time he was in bed and his head resting on his pillow much of the anger had been dismissed. Just wish we had more time in the morning because there is still so much I feel is left to do.
I am not the perfect parent, not even close. I like to share all the joys, all the adventures, and all the fun … but parenting is hard, and sometimes we get it wrong. Sometimes we are human to.
This weekend marks the two year point since my divorce, and just over three years since we split the home in two. It was definitely the most difficult struggle I have had to deal with in my life. After 14 years of marriage my life was left crumbling in the wake of my failures. Yet, it was not the complete downfall, as I had felt at the time … after these many months I am back focused on tomorrow, back in control.
As with any life, there are always ups and downs but recently I have felt in a pretty good spot. Sure my car broke down and I had to get a replacement, work is … work, and Christmas shopping still hasn’t started, heck the Christmas decorations aren’t even out of the closet yet … but that is just life. These are the common struggles, the everyday. Gone are the days of fear, loss, and grieving that felt like they would never pass. Gone on the days of anger and resentment that kept me from engaging with the world.
That life has been left behind, I now see a new one appearing just beyond the shadows.
It has not been an easy road, but life is not about the easy roads and the sunny days. You need a little rain to water the garden and a little cold weather to harden your resolve, finally allowing the moments to bask in the sunlight when it appears once again. These last 38 months since the separation have taught me some valuable lessons and while I did not enjoy them, I am grateful for them. Looking back I am able to see how I shaped those years. While at the time it felt like my life was on a roller coaster ride, as I look back I can see things broken far clearly into stages. At the beginning of 2017 I was able to identify where I was and where I wanted to go. That gave me focus, allowing me to once again gain control.
Recover – Rebuild – Restore
The largest struggle was getting through the fear and uncertainty of that first year. Slowly I found myself not happy staying where I was … living as I was … and determined to change it. So I painted, bought some new items, and slowly rebuild the home for both me and my kids. The rebuilding of my physical home also ended up repairing a lot of my mental state, restoring how I saw myself in this world. That has allowed me to finally return to a point where I dream about tomorrow, where my ambitions have returned, and where my ideas feel like they have life to them. It took effort, good friends, and a unrelenting focus on being there for my boys. It has allowed me to turn many of the biggest frustrations into things I can accept and kept me from falling prey to many of the demons of life.
From here I look forward to tomorrow … no longer constrained by my past.
New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings…
– Lao Tzu
