Co-parenting, Daily Musings, Divorce

Threatened

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Life as a co-parent has left both of us feeling a little threatened in our role at times. I was almost right away. I was out of the home that I built, struggling to make ends meet, clinging to the notion that I was still dad. I had visions of all the deadbeat and absentee dads from movies and book constantly running through my head. The life I had known was crumbling before me … and then she was with another man, a family friend for several years, and I saw myself just fading completely. “Family” outings and vacations were now a thing … and in my head, if there was another guy there what role would I have.

It hurt, but more so it made me mad. If you happened to talk to me during that period of my life, you knew it. My very existence felt threatened … and for me this wasn’t acceptable. I vowed to stay engaged … and I have done just that. It has not been an easy path. One with lots of ups and downs. Yet, I fight through the struggle to ensure my time with the boys is secure … they know they are loved, they have a safe and fun place to be, and that dad is both interested and invested in both their schooling and their lives.

This has developed some tense moments between their mother and myself. However, I have not relented. I refuse to be defined on her terms – even when it costs me more money, it often costs me less stress. In some cases I take things too far, draw my lines too early, and push too hard in demanding my allotted time. It results in fights, stress, and has resulted in additional lawyer bills.

Why? Because I felt threatened.

When life is going good? When we are happy? We don’t end up feeling as threatened. Deep down we know, no one can take away our roles … we have to give up on them. Just giving up a weekend, being missed on an email notification from the teacher, or being included in a standard doctors checkup. It takes you giving up on showing love.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t appreciate being left out of communications and if I find out I will say something. I won’t accept failure to adhere to the parenting plan, especially if it is going to impact my time with the boys. That is what the kids expect.

While the boys and I fight over homework, chores, and what is acceptable in-door behavior – what they always know is that I want the best for them, that I love them, and that I will always be there. That is because I am Dad. That is what matters.

Daily Musings

Push outside the comfort zone

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This has been a major theme for this past year. I have tried to not be as scared of a failure, tried new things, and refused to give up on those things that help define who I am – to me. It is easy to sit and watch people struggle from the comfortable armchair of complacency, but when you are sitting down you have stopped moving forward. This can leave you feeling stuck and unfulfilled.

I have been fighting this feeling for years now, especially pre-divorce. I had moments of inspiration, but the flame always failed to ignite. I had attributed this to being focused on work, and then focus at home. After the divorce I spent a lot of energy on being dad, I was focused on not failing. Slowly life returned to “normal”, a state that wasn’t comfortable, but wasn’t a struggle either. I have a stable job, I can pay all my bills, I am involved with the kids lives, and I make time for my hobbies. A comfortable life.

However, the longer I sit in this life the less comfortable I feel.

On the way home I was listing to the Order of Man podcast (#134) with Gary John Bishop. I feel he encapsulated it completely in his statement,

“I am more interested in what I think I couldn’t do, than in what I think I can do”

– Gary John Bishop

I have talked myself out of so many ideas, so many plans simply by believing that I don’t belong or that it really is not that good an idea. We have all heard the saying “Doesn’t matter if you think you can or you can’t, you are right!”, but Gary goes deeper. He shifted his entire focus to what he thought you couldn’t do, and in doing that he found change.

The episode is worth listening to. He also has a book out which I have now added to my Audible list.

Unfu*k Yourself: Get Out of Your Head and into Your Life

This past year (or so) pushing the comfort zone has been one of my core mantras. I have been testing different ideas, working different thoughts, and putting myself in areas that I am not comfortable and don’t necessarily feel I belong. To many I may seem like the same old person, but I am not. I can feel that fire growing inside once again.

Failure makes you think. Discomfort awakens the senses.

It is time to live!

Daily Musings

How it is suppose to work

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Anyone single parent I am sure will understand the stress that can occur on the race to pick up your child from their after-school care program. Well, I currently enjoy a lengthy interstate commute each day to work. This generally means I need to leave early on the days that I have the kids to ensure I can pick my youngest up from his after school program. I am a single dad, I am a working dad … but I take the dad part of those statements very seriously. On my days the kids are under my care they are my responsibility.

Thus, the drive home from work as I race to make the 6pm closing time can be a bit stressful. There are days there is traffic, days where there is an accident, days where I get caught and can’t get away as I would like to. So far, in the year and a half I have been in my current role, I have managed to leave early enough that there hasn’t been a problem. For most of the previous school year I was able to coordinate with a family friend, which reduced the stress extensively – though I was always very conscious of the time. However, I was back with the standard after school care system this year.

Today I got caught running a quick errand after work which put me behind the 8-ball. For the first time I had to make the phone call. One I have been dreading since I started this new life as a single dad. One I have managed to avoid until now. I had to call their mom and see if she was available to pick them up. I had 30 minutes to make a 55 minute trip … so my GPS was telling me – I was going to be late. I “knew” I was going to hear about it.

She graciously dropped everything, which meant her leaving work. When I arrived at the school, not as late as I was expecting, I came baring coffee and a very grateful heart. She did not seem concerned or put out, simply said, “This is how it is suppose to work.”

She surprised me today. I am very grateful to her willingness to lend assistance without hesitation. Thank you.